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[modeled on this well-posed and highly ranked meta over at WB.SE]


We've got some answers that've really gone above-and-beyond in answering rigorously and completely some superlative questions. And by "superlative" I don't mean that the questions are excellent, I just mean that they contain superlatives. Like "what's the most I can carry?" or "what's the highest fall I can survive?"

Some might call these "cheese." If so, they are the finest cheeses, to be enjoyed on the back porch on a cool summer night. Let's start a cheese club, stackizens! Please answer by linking a single post that you find the cheesiest, the best-explained augmentum ad absurdum you've seen come grace these pages.

Keep to these simple rules:

  • one submission per user [that rule was present in the WB version; doesn't seem necessary here]
  • each post only once
  • include a few words explaining what you like so much about this particular post

If your favorite post is already mentioned, upvote that and submit your second-favorite.

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  • \$\begingroup\$ So, for the purpose of this post, 'cheese' means argumentum ad absurdum, yes? e.g. the classic proof that 2^(1/2) is irrational? Just checking that the stuff you are talking about in the first paragraph is referring exclusively to frame challenges to such questions that seek to show something by argumentum ad absurdum rather than rigorous factual answers like rpg.stackexchange.com/a/93911/22566 \$\endgroup\$ – Please stop being evil Jun 20 '17 at 17:20
  • \$\begingroup\$ That is to say, we are looking for answers which best show by following a set of premises to their logical extension that the set of premises must be false, yes? \$\endgroup\$ – Please stop being evil Jun 20 '17 at 17:22
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    \$\begingroup\$ @thedark: I don't have a hard-and-fast "cheese" definition in mind. Honestly, I was kinda curious if compiling a list like this might make it a little clearer what people mean when they use the term! \$\endgroup\$ – nitsua60 Jun 20 '17 at 18:22
  • \$\begingroup\$ Ah. In my experience, the term is used pejoratively to edically denigrate rpg things, especially but not uniquely specific rule interactions, and by extension to denigrate or occlude the existence of persons engaging in the use of said material. Generally, it is used against others the user wishes to discredit as part of a general approach towards personal assumption of a group's ability to assign authenticity to knowledge, but it is increasingly used self-degradatively to disclaim statements, identities, and positions preemptively in order to forestall the aforementioned offensive use. \$\endgroup\$ – Please stop being evil Jun 20 '17 at 19:55
  • \$\begingroup\$ I'm mentioning this because I think that people who see the term as strongly perjoratative are unlike to post answers to this question, so your understanding of the meaning will be quite biased towards those persons who are of the self-degradation-as-protection camp, especially those transitioning to a positive reappropriation of the term. I don't have a problem with positive ethnolinguistic reappropriation, but I think it's important not to obfuscate the history of a term when changing the nature of the discourse in which it is used. \$\endgroup\$ – Please stop being evil Jun 20 '17 at 20:00
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    \$\begingroup\$ I was just hoping to celebrate those answers that seem to go above-and-beyond when it comes to showing what the ramifications of a houserule/interaction/item might be. Perhaps I've chosen the wrong term.... \$\endgroup\$ – nitsua60 Jun 20 '17 at 20:58
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    \$\begingroup\$ I took this as a good-faith usage of the word as parody or a joke or as reappropriation, myself. Plus it's fine cheese. 🧀 \$\endgroup\$ – doppelgreener Jun 21 '17 at 10:13
  • \$\begingroup\$ @nitsua60 You chose the term perfectly. Those who wish to take offense will, and there is no stopping them. (I am not referring to TDW, but he mentions a group of folks who might). English is a high context language in many respects. Think about two usages of a single word with separate meanings. I get a free six pack of Stella from a friend. With joy, I say "Nice!" Next morning, I discover that all six of them are mostly empty (backwash in the bottom) on the kitchen counter. I look to my son, who belches Stella breath and tries to look innocent. I exclaim "Nice!" in a different tone. \$\endgroup\$ – KorvinStarmast Jun 21 '17 at 19:44
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    \$\begingroup\$ @thedarkwanderer to answer your question regarding we are looking for answers which best show by following a set of premises to their logical extension that the set of premises must be false I respond with No. The point is more closely described as the efforts taken to explore the absurd, and absurdities, which can arise when combining various game features to arrive at absurd/non linear outcomes. \$\endgroup\$ – KorvinStarmast Jun 22 '17 at 19:32
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    \$\begingroup\$ When is a shield both good for AC bonus and attacks? When it's Schroedinger's shield! \$\endgroup\$ – NautArch Apr 5 '18 at 18:29
  • \$\begingroup\$ This meta list seems related to the tag powergaming. \$\endgroup\$ – Cœur Jun 7 '19 at 3:00
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    \$\begingroup\$ I've edited lots of the answers here to make them clearly state the question being referenced. I think we got a bit carried away simply waxing lyrical about cheese, to the point most answers here give nobody any idea what the actual post they're being linked to is about, and nobody can check whether the thing they found funny was already linked. I implore people please actually describe the posts they're linking, not just make obscure allusions about cheese. Please take care to curdle the joke well. \$\endgroup\$ – doppelgreener Feb 12 at 20:07
  • \$\begingroup\$ Seems like it would be a good idea to mention the system at the top of every post as a rule, for all the same reasons we use system tags on main. Could someone edit? (Even though this list seems to be 100% various versions of DnD.) \$\endgroup\$ – Laurel Jul 25 at 1:25

37 Answers 37

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This is not just cheese, but a cheese factory. From this cheese is created even more cheese, for days, and possibly indefinitely. An eternal wellspring of cheesy cheesiness.

Does this cheesy character concept violate RAW, and if so how? [5e character build that generates arbitrarily-many spell slots on all short rests, no long rests.]

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  • \$\begingroup\$ This is an especially good example - the cheesy build was countered with an even more cheesy argument, which in turn was countered with a somehow even cheesier argument. Definitely one for the blue cheese connoisseur. \$\endgroup\$ – Miniman Jun 16 '17 at 7:16
  • \$\begingroup\$ I doth protest! My argument was spoiled. \$\endgroup\$ – NautArch Jun 21 '17 at 11:38
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    \$\begingroup\$ The release of XGTE and the "coffeelock" with an invocation that makes sleep unnecessary might make this cheese upgrade to Limburger. \$\endgroup\$ – KorvinStarmast May 17 '18 at 20:13
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    \$\begingroup\$ Though the XGTE also includes optional penalties for going 24 hours (or longer) without a long rest. \$\endgroup\$ – Gandalfmeansme Jul 9 '19 at 20:00
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Is there a maximum attainable beard thickness?

Sometimes cheese gets in your beard.

It's a sad fact of life, but there it is.

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A fine cheese to go with your favorite bread, toasted, with beverage of your choice.

How many creatures can attack another creature.

Aggresso absurdum

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    \$\begingroup\$ The other answer to the question is even better, as it allows an arbitrary number of attackers (not just a high fixed limit) \$\endgroup\$ – Steven Jackson May 22 '19 at 14:03
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As requested, the D&D 3.5 edition of the fastest character.

Notable for the inclusion of not one but two “theoretical-optimization” builds and world-record holders (for highest speed and highest Diplomacy check, respectively).

The first, Chuck E. Cheese, can break (by a significant margin) the speed of light. Chuck E. Cheese is the only TO build I am aware of to have been directly targeted by errata (though whether or not the errata was successful in dismantling Chuck is debatable).

The second, known as the Jumplomancer, achieves significantly lower speeds, since it accepts the errata on footsteps of the divine as preventing Chuck’s trick. However, it also works in the exemplar prestige class, which focuses solely on one chosen skill—in the Jumplomancer’s case, that skill is Jump. Because, you see, you gain a +4 bonus to Jump for every 10 feet faster you are. And even though he doesn’t break the speed of light, the Jumplomancer is still quite hypersonic, so that’s a big bonus (five digits’ worth). And the exemplar can use his chosen skill to make a Diplomacy check, so that means everyone who sees the jump instantly becomes a fan.

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  • \$\begingroup\$ This is good (gouda?) cheese! Nice. \$\endgroup\$ – KorvinStarmast Jun 23 '17 at 14:09
  • \$\begingroup\$ The question asker approves of the Dutch "Gouda" classification (but only if everyone promises to read the "G" with the typical Dutch gargling sound in their minds that English pronunciation mostly misses). L'Chaim! \$\endgroup\$ – Jeroen May 15 '18 at 18:40
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Spaulding the Troll said "I'd rather eat cheese than stirge"

But Judge Smails said

"You'll eat stirge and like it, Spaulding!"

Quadratic Wizard has shown how the troll-stirge mutual dining ecosystem works. Not the fast food joint I want to visit.

The stirges have, so far, said nothing. They are too busy eating and breeding.

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    \$\begingroup\$ Now I just want to know how loud 28K stirges are and how far away the party will be hearing them.... \$\endgroup\$ – nitsua60 Nov 20 '18 at 19:36
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    \$\begingroup\$ @nitsua60 It might sound as annoying as the Vuvuzelas in the 2010 World Cup... which convinced me to watch the Cup with the sound off, and then to just stop watching the cup matches. \$\endgroup\$ – KorvinStarmast Nov 20 '18 at 19:40
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Not quite a superlative, but still darn cheesy:

Can a Wizard cast a spell strong as a small nuke?

In which we learn specifically about the Locate City bomb, which combines some metamagic which pushes people out of a spell's radius, and metamagic which deals a bit of damage from distance travelled, with a spell with a radius hundreds of miles wide, helping us learn what it might be like if you took fus ro dah and turned it up a few notches.

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  • \$\begingroup\$ This was the first thing I thought of. One of my favorite hacks. \$\endgroup\$ – Barker May 17 '18 at 19:39
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We have the tower of rage, stack 'o mounts that has raging barbarians, all the way down. Best served with a red wine, and rye crackers. As the creator observes:

Awakened Cat Barbarian riding a Gnome Barbarian riding an Orc Barbarian/Warchanter with war Drums riding a Minotaur Barbarian riding a Huge-Ass War-Mammoth is essentially 90% of the point of playing Dungeons and Dragons.

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Surprisingly, this post of mine is a generator of both metaphorical - and literal - cheese!

Can you milk an Ivory Goat?

Not sure if entirely relevant here (although the possibility of generating food at a steady rate without expending spell slots is certainly cheesy), but you know... goat cheese and stuff.

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In-laws like cheese, right?

What's the greatest number of hands I can have to annoy my mother-in-law with?

It is the most important question of our time.

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Is there a limit to the number of Unseen Servants I can have?

Is Unseen Servant use and abuse cheese, is it silly fun, or is it both? We find yet another tasty Ementhal here in the asking of how many Unseen Servants can one have active at a time, with the linked answer being 600, made particularly pleasing by the additional flavor in the comment under the answer:

600 Unseen Servants is incredibly impractical, unless... Cantrip: Minor Illusion. Issue a bonus action: "carry a kitchen utensil and make it dance around me." After 10 minutes, you can recreate "Be our guest" :)
@markovchain May 12 at 3:11

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  • \$\begingroup\$ I think this and your other recent one add a nice feature: a snippet or "teaser" of the cheese to be found beyond the link =) \$\endgroup\$ – nitsua60 Jun 22 '17 at 19:52
  • \$\begingroup\$ @nitsua60 I was wrestling with ever introducing the Unseen Servant fun and games as cheese, since US wrangling/exploits/use/abuse goes as far back as IIRC Holmes book and 1e PHB. (I think it was in Holmes, I'll need to check later). It's almost as though that particular utility spell is in a class by itself. \$\endgroup\$ – KorvinStarmast Jun 22 '17 at 19:55
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We've got some Hall of Fame material right here. You can shoot any kind of ammunition out of any kind of weapon that uses ammunition. Personally, I can't wait to start firing blowgun needles from my longbow - 50 shots instead of 20, for the same price and weight!

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For sheer absurd argumentation, I doubt anything will ever top the dragonwrought kobold: true dragon? controversy, which I have tried to document. Covering the minutiae of at least three books as well as getting extremely technical about the rules regarding each one’s precedence (and no small amount of intense arguments over semantics in the English language), the controversy is actually quite a bit larger than even the two answers I have offered here. The two answers I wrote up are but two of many arguments made for or against the kobolds’ status as true dragons, the two I personally found most compelling.

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    \$\begingroup\$ Schrodinger's True Dragon. It both is and isn't a true dragon, until you try to observe the right material. And then it definitely is or definitely isn't, until you observe other material. And then... \$\endgroup\$ – doppelgreener Jun 20 '17 at 21:35
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    \$\begingroup\$ This potentially generates a (faux)Latin neologism - koboldo absurdum - or even koboldus absurdum to go along with Tuckeramus non carborundum est \$\endgroup\$ – KorvinStarmast Jun 21 '17 at 19:48
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    \$\begingroup\$ @KorvinStarmast Yeah, particularly in 3.5, D&D kobolds are nuts. \$\endgroup\$ – KRyan Jun 21 '17 at 19:50
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How do you efficently create the biggest demiplane?: A Pathfinder spellcaster is having trouble with the itty-bitty living space which their phenomenal cosmic powers are limited to creating. The create demiplane spell just doesn't create a demiplane big enough! The Dark Wanderer replies by helping them understand how to make a killing on the real estate market to get the generously large space they need.

This cheese is probably made out of molten lead; don't try it at home.

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Kobolds and Traffic Tickets

What is the farthest someone can travel in 8 hours without teleporting?

How fast a kobold tribe can move across country to take advantage of housing prices has an answer here, thanks to David Coffron.

We recommend this gouda cheese to be thin sliced, toasted on sliced baguette, and served with a dry white wine. No fast food, as the Kobold's don't have time to stop at the drive through!

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While odorous, and definitely an acquired taste, this maximum movement speed cheese is one I have found to be quite delectable.

What is the Fastest a Character Can Move in One Turn?[closed] [dnd-5e version]

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    \$\begingroup\$ The 3.5e version of the same idea arguably involves greater cheese—it certainly involves greater speeds. \$\endgroup\$ – KRyan Jun 21 '17 at 20:18
  • \$\begingroup\$ @KRyan That's awesome, and it must be added to the cheese shop. Would you care to do the honors? \$\endgroup\$ – KorvinStarmast Jun 22 '17 at 19:58
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    \$\begingroup\$ @KorvinStarmast Added. \$\endgroup\$ – KRyan Jun 23 '17 at 13:56
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Cheesum Absurdum, Armor Class Edition

Under the premise that the cheese we sell in this cheese shop is based on a reduction to the absurd of RAW, we find that the absurd question of "what is the lowest possible armor class" can be successfully answered because, well, Who Wants To Live Forever? In a world without cheese, nobody.
Hit me, Bael-bee, one more time.

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"Cry havoc! And let slip the Mugs of War!"

How dangerous can I make my tankard?

We discover that Someone_Evil, in cahoots with David Coffron, is designing a fatal glass of beer, or rather, a killer tankard by using one of the spells from Xanathar's Guide to Everything, some items, and a whole lot of setting up.

You can call the solution The Lethal Bierkase - it was created by reaching into the entirety of the cheese shop's inventory(Cheese Shop = DMG, PHB, XGtE and The Guildmaster's Guide to Ravnica).

This charop wasn't looking for a tank: it was looking for a tankard, and it got one ... that costs just a few Gold Pieces less than an F-35B.

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How high can a PC's initiative bonus get?

I feel like David Coffron's idea on how to use a sphinx to bypass a time gate that would enable one to get an unlimited ability score in a relatively short amount of time deserves its own place in the Hall of Cheese.

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    \$\begingroup\$ My god, it's beautiful. \$\endgroup\$ – NautArch Dec 4 '18 at 21:48
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This is more of a combination cheese: Brie, Cheddar, and a little Mozzarella, all melted into one. Goes well on pizza.

Can PCs create a Mob?

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Cheese and fast food go perfectly together.

While the answer isn't really "cheesy", the premise of the question - about Wendy's promotional Feast of Legends RPG - certainly is:

How can I discourage gluttony while still granting buffs?

In Wendy's Feast of Legends, characters gain bonuses for foods eaten by their players.

The game explicitly mentions that buffs stack and there are a total 6 different food items (briefly: burger, chicken, frosty, drink, fries, salad).

A particularly health-reckless power-gamer could gorge themselves on in order to gain limitless bonuses. Of course the intersection between power gamers and players of Wendy's Feast of Legends should be fairly small, but even so.

Some might call this idea... dangerously cheesy. (Wrong brand, I know!)

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This is exploding cheese.

Can I really craft an Arrow of Total Destruction by RAW?

This is very dangerous cheese and probably not very high quality but I can't tell because it self-destructed and sent me to the Astral Plane before I got a very good taste.

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A million-to-one chance to succeed an attack?

This is one big joke that tastes a bit like Lancre Blue, and gets into the melty flavour that happens just one in a million times.

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What is the maximum number of net attacks that one can make in a round?

When you have too many nets at your disposal and want them all to hold your creamy cheese, how many do you need?

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  • \$\begingroup\$ The moment I saw that question I thought it'd end up here. 4, 6 nets weren't too cheesy, but 38 screamed "CHEESE!" \$\endgroup\$ – nitsua60 Jun 6 '19 at 10:23
  • \$\begingroup\$ It's not just cheese, but highly improbable cheese :) \$\endgroup\$ – NautArch Jun 6 '19 at 13:51
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    \$\begingroup\$ FYI this answer has reached infinite nets \$\endgroup\$ – Pierre Cathé Jun 6 '19 at 15:13
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Inceptum ad Absurdum

How high can a PC's initiative bonus get?

@T.J.L. has offered a way to get ridiculous boosts to initiative in this answer. Being able to get a +53 + 1d10 to a d20 roll for initiative means "I Go First" is finally assured. (No, that doesn't make the character a spot light hog, why do you ask?)

Such a character can always be first, but he may begin to have some problems in his love life ...

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    \$\begingroup\$ Oh, dear... this may even be the answer I earned the gold DnD-5e badge on... :( \$\endgroup\$ – T.J.L. Dec 3 '18 at 20:54
  • \$\begingroup\$ @T.J.L. It's wonderful, we enjoy the stretch to absurd thing. But we have no camembert; the cat's eaten it. \$\endgroup\$ – KorvinStarmast Dec 3 '18 at 21:07
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The Biggest Wheel of Temporary Cheeae

This question is about getting the most Temp HP possible; it includes some absurd answers about tiny creatures and Tarrasques, as well as some answers that are achievable via normal means.

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Watermelons and cheese are a strange combination.

A question I came across while adding the tag to some older questions:

Can Goodberry be used to summon watermelons?

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Hiding from a Nosy Deity while eating cheese

What is the highest total result one can get for a skill check?

David Coffron has shown how a much spied upon Hobgoblin can get away from the never ending gaze of the fiery eyes of Maglubiyet, and eat his cheese in privacy.

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Dragon Chef Cheese

Can a red dragon be boiled to death?

Whether one simply steams the red dragon, or makes red dragon soup, this question captures the spirit of this cheese collection, though for dipping thin sliced shrieker is recommended.

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This one leaps out as being gouda 'nough for this list

What is the longest distance a player character can jump in one leap?

Couldn't choose any one answer as the whole post is a churning vat of cheesy goodness.

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This cheese is Swiss Cheese, because it makes things full of holes.

And I made it myself!

Is this spell/item interaction as infinite (and potentially deadly) as I think it is?

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